Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
