Who wears a wallet chain?!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
