is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
