I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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