If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As shirtless as possible
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
