I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
