Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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