i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
