I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You can't motorboat a personality
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
