I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
