OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
