I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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