So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
