I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
