My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
