billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
