Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
