remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
