I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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