I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
