Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My ATM looks so different sober.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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