Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
