the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
