By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
