Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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