fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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