you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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