I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
