Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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