you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
