Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
