I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
