The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
