just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
