He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
