i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
