I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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