Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
