can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
