he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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