I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
