I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sarcasm needs its own font
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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