Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
