she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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