Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
