I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
