Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
