Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
