i think my tv is drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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