what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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